Showing posts with label writing past grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing past grief. Show all posts

Happy Birthday Cameron

I've blogged quite a bit about my son Chase who passed away from Cystic Fibrosis two years ago, but I've rarely mentioned our first baby Cameron. He was a week shy of 3 months old when he died, our sweet little redhead, our firstborn, my parents' first grandchild.

He had Otahara's syndrome, an extremely rare--one out of a million cases--disorder of seizures. Our neurologist couldn't say what caused it, just one of those tragic things. I read a gazillion books on seizures, and although some came down to head trauma, most in infants couldn't be explained.

I have my own theories. Cameron had a very difficult labor, the induced contractions were too strong and slammed his head over and over against my pelvic. I had the bruises to prove it and Cameron's head was lopsided and bruised for a few days after birth. No one dared confirm that though, probably didn't want lawsuits brought against my pregnancy doctor (who I never ever went back to).

A week later, Cam had his first seizure, a little facial tick I would never have recognized, but my pediatric nurse sister did. Those seizures turned into grand mals, and well... the tragic part is that it was the seizure medication that took him. He was on a strong one that also took away his immunities...and he caught a cold.

I tried to tell myself that it was a blessing. Three months old and he had no development, couldn't even lift his own head. We were already scheduling therapy sessions, but we knew the multiple seizures had already damaged his brain and he'd never have a normal life. But try telling yourself that is a blessing when you're only in your twenties, your baby is in the cold ground, your breasts are still full of milk, and your arms are empty and you just want him back.  

I knew it was meant to be though. I knew it before he was ever born--that wonderful, sometimes awful mother's intuition. It felt like my entire pregnancy, his entire life, I was holding my breath, waiting for it to all go bad. I also knew that he didn't want to be on earth. I'd look in his eyes and he wasn't there. Not in that ill, low brain function way of not being all there, but his spirit was literally off to better places, too busy to be bothered with the constrains of an earthly body. There was always the sense of urgent business about him, as though his spirit was so consumed with pressing matters on the other side that just coming to earth to fulfill the requirements of gaining a body, was such a bothersome task. I'd look at him thinking, "Come back, Cameron. Just come back for a while and be with me."

Which he finally did. The day before he died. He was all there. I looked in his eyes and saw an intelligence beyond this life while he fully looked back at me. I didn't realize at the time that it was his gift, his good-bye.

We also didn't know that Cystic Fibrosis was looming on the horizon years later and would take another son.

It's funny, but I often imagine free-spirit Chase, finally able to run and play, dragging Cameron away from his serious pursuits and zigging around the spirit world together.  

Happy Birthday, Cam. I love you. Your life was short, but you've never been forgotten.


Seventeen Today

Happy Birthday my Beautiful Snarky Funny Son. Miss you so much. I was just telling your brothers yesterday about your funny sense of humor even as a kid. 

When you were very young I was trying to teach you the difference between behaving like a big boy verses a little boy. I'd emphasize, "Chase, you're a big boy now" over and over.

One day you stretched my nerves, I can't remember what you had done, but I lost it and said, "Chase, you are such a little shit." To which you replied in all seriousness, "No, I'm a big shit." 

Man, did that release my anger. I couldn't stop laughing. That was you always coming up with things like that. I told K and T that yesterday and they laughed and laughed too. I think they are dealing a little bit better now. Miss your funny self, baby, but am so happy you aren't hurting anymore.


Chase Joseph Autrey 
Sept 25, 1995 - Sept 1, 2010

No Stockings Were Hung

That's all of us two years ago in front of our stockinged fireplace.
Last year Christmas came only 3 months after Chase's death. We didn't put up a tree or stockings or any kind of decorations. We didn't even stay home, but left Dodge and had a different kind of Christmas in Galveston at the Marriott. 

This year at the insistence of my youngest, we put up a tree, put out our nativity, and a few sparse decorations. I went to hang the stockings, but froze. 

I know some people hang stockings for those who have passed away, but I couldn't. I couldn't bear seeing that hanging Christmas morning unfilled and hanging loose next to the others, nor could I not place Chase's there while I hung the rest. 

So I left the stockings in the box, closed it up, and put them all back in the garage.

September 25

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen ~ I miss you

September, September

September 1st came and went. One friend sent flowers. My mom called a few days ahead, my sister a few days afterward, but both know me well enough to not call on that day. My daughter facebook chat asked.

My husband and sons didn't speak of it, I guess taking their clues from me. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and cry or ignore that this day even exists.

The rest of the month hasn't gotten any better--like a large inhalation, waiting to release.



Our son died a year ago on September 1st. He'd turn 16 September 25th, excited to get his driver's license that he'd never have. All his tomorrows gone~~

All I know is that time doesn't heal. It really doesn't. It just seems to get worse. Maybe we just had to get over this month. I don't know. For me, September will always be hard. 

Writing Past Grief: Punching Through

It's been 9 months.

My son had cystic fibrosis and he passed away 9 months ago. This is the first time I've even lightly posted about it. It's still much too raw and painful. He was 14.

I understand grief, understand the 7 steps of mourning and the myriad of emotions that crashes through you. What I didn't realize was how that would affect my writing.

I had no idea grief would sabotage my writing confidence.

Everything I've worked so hard for over decades years is shattered. Poof. Gone.

No one wants to read this.

Your characters are too sad.

I thought you knew how to string together a sentence.

No wonder your agent can't sell your work.

You don't deserve to succeed.

Give up. You don't have the energy for this.

I feel like screaming at those inner voices as George Hamiliton did in Love at First Bite "Children of the Night…Shut up!"

So, my new mantra: I'm not a quitter, not a quitter, not a quitter.

I sit down and just start writing, giving myself permission to write badly, if I should punch through and get it done and something surprising happens.

My normal teenage heroine all of a sudden has a sibling who died in her back story and she is screaming at her love interest about how he doesn't understand…what tragedy has he ever experienced in his life that gives him the right to tell her how to feel?

I bang my head against the table. Is this all I can produce now? Angsty grief-driven characters? I just want to write stories, not go through therapy while doing it.

Then again, maybe that's all there is left. Pushing through. I'll let the characters grieve, let them flow however they will and maybe I'll come through the end of it with a little healing on my own. Who can say? I'll let you know how it goes as I continue these posts on writing past grief.


Share