Showing posts with label church. Show all posts
Showing posts with label church. Show all posts

A Short Live, A Huge Impact

Chase should be celebrating his 18th Birthday today, finishing his Senior year of High School, driving, kissing girls, thinking about college and his future.

Yet he left us 3 years ago, 24 days before his 15th Birthday. 3 years. It feels like 3 months.

I can't describe what it's like to have a terminally ill child. You've either been there and know the experience, or you haven't. There's no in-between. It's 24/7 of keeping up with treatments and medication, and driving to specialists, checking port feeds in the middle of the night, and worrying about what could go wrong whenever you step out of the house on your own for a few hours.

But there's also a closeness that's reached from spending so much time together with deep conversations that otherwise wouldn't come up. Some conversations about what's after life that no one should ever have to have with their child.  

For the record, I do believe in an after life. I believe in God, and I believe that Jesus Christ is our Savior. For me, that stuff isn't made up or just something nice to believe in that brings me comfort.

I imagine Chase in the spirit world, finally able to do the things his body wouldn't allow him, happy, at peace, not hurting, and having a wonderful time with his brother and uncles. Who needs a driver's license when you can soar at lightspeed?

So Happy Birthday Chase. Enjoy this day and know that even though we miss you so hard it hurts, your life is being Celebrated.

Love you.

Mom






Church is Hard

It's Sunday Morning. I'm teaching the young womens group about Testimony today and I just don't want to go. I will, just like I went last week and the week before and every week for the past year and a half when all I've wanted to do is fade away and never set foot in that building again.

I didn't realize when we held Chase's funeral there because it was so much bigger and nicer than the funeral home, that every time I walked into the chapel I would still see the flowers and his coffin there. I didn't know I'd never be able to sit in the RS room without thinking about how his viewing was right there in the spot rows of folding chairs are now set out. Women chat among themselves in the same spot where my dead child's body was laid out. It's surreal. I see my children look at their brother for the last time, afraid to approach too close. I see too many things.

Church is painful. Even with the time that has passed, it's painful. Guess you can't put a time limit on grief. I don't want to go. I don't want to teach. But I will and hope for the day that we move and I can walk into a different church building without any memories...